Bless Me Father For I Have Sinned

“Bless me father for I have sinned. It is a week since my last confession, Father. These are my sins.”
“Go on, my child.”
Father, I’ve had impure thoughts.”
“Go on my child.”
“It concerns women, Father.”
“Go on my child.”
“I don’t know where or how to begin, Father. Well, maybe I should work my way backwards.”
“Go on my child.”
“Let me start with Saint Paul.”
“Saint Paul?”
“Saint Paul, Father. Bear with me, Father. First I started having impure thoughts about Saint Paul.”
“Well, the Lord save us! I ...”
“Please Father, bear with me. This isn’t easy. I’ve started. Let me finish. On his way to Damascus a bright light from heaven shone about Saint Paul and he heard a voice ask, “Saul, Saul, why persecutest thou me?” Saint Paul then fell to the ground and asked, “Who art thou, Lord?” And the Lord said, “I am Jesus whom thou persecutest; it is hard for thee to kick against the pricks.” Well, Father, I have wrestled with the beast and it got the better of me. I’ve lain awake at night picturing the scene. A hundred times I’ve run it over in my mind, the bright light, the voice. It has tormented me and now I’d like to shed my burden.”
“What burden is that, my child?”
“Saint Paul was lying, Father. He was lying. It couldn’t really have happened like that.”
“My child, do you know what you’re saying? This is a serious sin.”
“Bear with me Father. Bear with me. It’s not as bad as it sounds. I don’t think Saint Paul was aware at the time that it was such a serious sin. ”
“My child. I think…”
“Bear with me Father. I haven’t even gotten to my impure thoughts and women yet. Bear with me. I’m not condemning Saint Paul. There was a lot of confusion about Jesus being the son of God at that time. With the heat from the sun and a bit of concussion Saint Paul may have misheard or become confused. You see it’s much more likely that it was the God of Abraham and not Jesus that spoke to Saint Paul.”
“Well now just a minute….”
“Hear me out Father. Jesus went around raising the dead and working miracles. It doesn’t make any sense that a man who gave sight to the blind would blind Saint Paul, even if it was only for three days. You have to give me that much.”
“My child, your thoughts are misdirected.”
“Have you ever thought about circumcision, Father? To circumcise or not to circumcise. In my opinion, Father, Saint Paul’s preoccupation with this question far surpassed what one would consider healthy for a God fearing Christian. Jesus’ mandate was to save the Jews and not the Gentiles. The Jews were already circumcised, so circumcision was never really an issue for Jesus in his preaching.”
“Hold it right there.”
“Father, please. I want to make a full confession. Saint Peter maintains that the God of Abraham told him in a vision to go out and convert the gentiles. Saint Peter may have been lying about this too because it is hard to imagine the God of Abraham taking an interest in the Gentiles after he ordered the massacre of so many in the Old Testament.”
“My child, I really have to….”
“Please Father, let me make my point. The God of Abraham was a great advocate of circumcision. On the unlikely assumption that he did tell Saint Peter in a dream to convert the Gentiles, being such a fan of circumcision, it is highly unlikely that he could have done a u-turn and allowed the Gentiles to go uncircumcised.”
“My child..”
“Father, please. Let me clear my conscience. The God of Abraham has always hated the Gentiles and even instigated their massacre on numerous occasions. I think Saint Peter was either lying when he said the God of Abraham told him in a trance to convert the Gentiles or he just overanalyzed some random dream. It is highly unlikely that the God of Abraham would condone the conversion of the Gentile, let alone converted Gentiles running around uncircumcised. It is more likely that Saint Peter and Saint Paul grew frustrated trying to convert the Jews. I have reason to suspect that Saint Paul was a compulsive prophet. When he finally started converting the gentiles he encouraged them to prophesy themselves. Saint Paul’s whole tone is more that of an Old Testament prophet than a messenger of Christ.”
“My child this is blasphemy.”
“That’s what I was thinking Father. It seems to have been rampant. I’m thinking Saint Paul took artistic license when it came to converting the Gentile and allowing them to run around uncircumcised. I’m not condemning him for it, Father, but this all brings me, Father, to the crux of my confession.”
“My child, I think….”
“Women.”
“My child…”
“Father please. I want to make a full confession. Saint Paul’s argument for the redundancy of the circumcision of the Gentiles was allegedly based on Jesus’ teaching that it is what is within and not what is without that is important. Saint Paul argues that the converted gentiles are circumcised in spirit, so there is no need for the physical circumcision of the flesh. Saint Paul is the reason Irish men are still running around uncircumcised today, and there may be others.”
“My child. I think…”
“Bear with me father. Saint Paul just gets finished explaining how there is no need for the physical sign of circumcision because the converted Gentile is circumcised in spirit and in the same breath he starts insisting that a woman’s head should be sheared if she doesn’t wear a veil in church. Saint Paul says a veiled head and a sheared head are all the one in the eyes of God and the woman can take her pick, whichever she’d prefer. Be veiled or be sheared!
Who do you think gave him that mandate father? Do you think it was Jesus or do you think it was the God or Abraham?”
“My child…”
“It sounds more in keeping with the God of Abraham, except, if he’s into spiritual circumcision instead of physical for the Gentiles, would he not be into spiritual shearing of women’s heads instead of the physical shearing? Not to be harsh, Father, but I think at some point Saint Paul started singing from his own hymn sheet. I mean, there’s a remote chance that he received his mandate from the God of Abraham. The God of Abraham could have changed his mind about converting the Gentiles and circumcision. I mean, he told Jesus to save only the Jews but then later he told Mohammed to convert everyone. It could be that he didn’t really expect the Jews to go through with the crucifixion of Jesus and he turned against them afterwards and then told Paul to forget about the Jews and convert the Gentiles and let them run around uncircumcised. What do you think father?”
“My child, there is only one God and Jesus is the son of God.”
“ I know all that father but do you think I could be right?”“My child, say three Hail Marys and an Our Father and come back to confession again next week. In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost.”

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